Looking for Mr Right for me

This post was first published on 27 March, 2012. Nothing’s changed, except I have moved jobs, where I come into contact with more men BUT the issues are more or less the same as when I wrote this post originally. I did get stalked by a Texan sociopath in Greece, though.

Mr Right Tom HardyI have been single for close to five years, after having my heart broken by The Italian. (I have duct-taped the bits of my heart together, and while showing some signs of damage with cracks and leaks, is pretty much good to go again.).

I have never been single this long, though. And that’s not to say I don’t enjoy being single. I do. There are many benefits. I get to do whatever I want, with whomever I want, whenever I like, whatever the cost. There’s the not having to compromise. Or the not having to argue if compromise doesn’t happen.

But it’s time. I’d like find a mister, because there are some really nice things about being a couple. Things I’d like to have in my life again. The hard thing though, is actually finding that special someone to share those really nice things with.

Over the last couple of years, I have tried practically every Meet A Man technique known to woman. Speed dating, online dating, bugging friends to meet their single friends, going to different places with different people doing different things, joining various interest groups. Hanging out in pubs, clubs and restaurants. Travel. Hell, I’ve even flirted in the supermarket, hoping to bond over eggplant or coriander. And then there was the short-lived Twitter relationship that ended in disaster. The bottom line is: you name it, I’ve tried it. I have well and truly put myself out there.

But I now realise that there are two things going against me. Numbers. And age. Let me explain.

Firstly: numbers. It was easy meeting people as a young person. You are exposed to more people. Cast your mind back to high school. You had six or seven classes a day, sometimes with totally different people in them, depending on the subjects. There were thirty people in a class, give or take, and generally speaking half of them were male. That’s exposure to potentially 90 different males per day, minus 10% gay, 15% taken and 5% totally not suitable for any number of reasons (these percentages are guesstimates, but you get the picture). And that’s not taking into account the rest of the school population, plus out-of-school sporting events and parties. All potential boyfriends.

Compare that to now. I work with 15 people, only half of them male. All of them are married or attached. I may have conversations with three or four other males during the day, mostly related to coffee or food (as in serving it to me). Who knows what their relationship status is? My interest classes (running and photography) are predominantly female, or populated with mostly attached males.

See? The number of available men crossing my path on a daily basis is less than when I was young. Much, much less.

Now the second thing: age. Men my age want women 10, or even 20 years younger than I am. Generally speaking, of course. Women my age – and I’m talking late 40s here – are (and again I’m speaking generally here) resilient and independent. We have often raised children by ourselves, all while working or studying part-time and battling messy divorces or similar. We won’t be manipulated, we don’t like games and our BS radar is finely tuned. We simply won’t put up with crap, because we don’t “need” a man in our life just for the sake of it.

We do, however, want a partner, companion and friend to share the best of our lives with.

Sure, our bits and bobs aren’t as perky as they were, our faces may be lined, and we are grey(er or -ish) than our younger sisters, but we bring a lot to the table. Insight, experience, emotional intelligence, conversation, and self-assuredness – to name a few. We look after our health, and we are interested in our personal and professional development. We are fit and vital and confident and interesting.

I am sick to death though, of people (usually coupled people!) saying: “Oh, you’ll meet someone when you least expect it.”. Bollocks! Numbers and age are working against me. And this is why I vote for the return of the village matchmaker. Or arranged marriages. These interventions have been shown to be very successful for long-lasting, happy relationships. But unfortunately, I don’t live in a village with a matchmaker, or a culture where arranged marriages are encouraged.

So, given that the odds are stacked against me, I really don’t like my chances of finding my mister 🙁

Last word

I did like this idea though! Dating based on shoe choice! At least someone is being creative about getting people together.

Now, I just need to get Tom Hardy to pick out my shoes…!

6 thoughts on “Looking for Mr Right for me

  1. A friend of mine finally found a guy — and she is 57, with the same challenge of every man in her age range (50s) wanting women much younger. She met him online and he even lives in our town.

    I met my husband on-line as well, (when I was 42) and we even work for the same newspaper (he staff, me freelance.) We would never have met otherwise as our paths would ever have crossed through our normal interests and behaviors.

    One dating expert suggests going where the guys are: shooting ranges, car events, etc. I think a lot of a woman’s appeal over 40 is also how well-groomed and dressed she is. Not saying you’re doing this, but some women start to look very middle-aged when there’s no need to become dowdy.

    1. I am online (on Twitter) and thought I would meet someone that way, as my path crosses with probably more people than an online dating site. No luck yet!

      I am also always hopeful that I will meet someone while I’m travelling. I’m going on a Meditteranean cruise this year, so the numbers will be looking good.

      I run around 15-20 kms a week, and look after my appearance. I am going grey, but like how it looks so won’t be dying my hair anytime soon. I wonder if that’s the deal breaker…?

  2. This will be small consolation I know but it isn’t really any easier finding a decent man in your 30’s. I’ve got two single girlfriends, one has just turned 35 and the other is a year or so older, who are ACTIVELY looking for Mr Right. And they started five, yes, 5 as in half a decade ago! So, from the ages of 30-35, pretty prime years, these girlfriends of mine have been single. Both stunning, stylish, assertive and financially independent career women. And they can’t find a man!
    As for me, I’m 36 this year and am 11 months into a legal separation. I am single for the first time in almost 10 years. If I go by my two girlfriends’ experiences, I will still be single on my 41st Birthday. I’m not daunted by the prospect and I am strong enough to cope on my own. But like you Diane, I too would like to find someone special to share my life with. We are going to have to strategize the logistics of that over Friday night drinks or perhaps, slut spaghetti? #InviteMeToDinnerAlready

    1. I have other single friends in their 20s and gay friends who are having difficulty, and I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that it’s Adelaide. There’s a “decent man” vacuum here, I think. It’s the dating equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle! Dinner and strategising it is! PS love that you are using hash tags away from Twitter. That’s the sign of a true Twitter addict! 😉

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